I'm back?.?

well that really depends on where I was and where I'm going no?
well as of late in my life I have yet to discover the really meaning of "ME".
and therefore have spent a good portion of my time trying to discover that for myself.
and the way I did that was by being free and open to everything that the life offers and live.
I walked through the street of san fransico, and L.A. I ate dinner under the stars of texas.
and I danced and swam naked in south carolina. and so far my life has not been what I
-thought it would be.

my best friend camille, is now pregnant and engaged, my mom and dad are renewing their vows in november in hawaii [cliche (:] and all hopes of my dream to be in new york and make it seem soo soo.. so abnormal, as if the crazy hecktick life that I wanted, the one full of adventure and endless travel just seem to be so offsetting and to unstable, like as if sometime between than and now i lost my drive my creative edge, my natrual prowess and even this, what I'm doing now seems so ubrupt and so wild to me now.
and using these colors for the text is abit unsettling with me because it relishes the fact that I'm becoming a boring gay.. and you see I cant even finish that sentence becasue I dont know if I'm still a teenager or a adult, and thats maybe why it's soo unsettling, to me. maybe i just gotta be like aI was and be able to drop everything and go do something so wild so extraordinary and just say "FUCK IT" and just be free. so thats what I'm gonna do. :)

time seems like forever..

he asked me for time yet i dont know how much he needs, im fully surprised by my faults and greeds. for the wanting and the needing of his words that are meant for me. why is it that when things are good and i mean real good, i always tend to fuck them up...

how little these eyes are sparred from tears

I wake and I'm fully ashamed.
I speak and I'm fully disgraced.
How far I fall without you.
How my eyes stay bloodshot from the heavy crying.
How my pillow remains soaked with your final trace.
Death comes quickly to those sparred by their lover's embrace.
A heavy intoxicating elixir remains clasped in my hands the heavy burning cigarette fumes and burns my eyes.
In the end, its my only demise.
Ill perish forever without you.
How little a stupid boy knows about love, for he remains clasped and controlled by the heavy lesson books he loves so dearly.
Hope the end has come, for it mocks u queerly.
Death, death, death..... dead no more is my pain.
I love, but I guess I must. Wait.
Bye

come with me and ill show you with russian sex and love

Its 418 and I'm still not asleep....WTF!!!!! Ugh!!
All I can do is hope for the best.....yeahy I kept closing my eyes for awhile yes!!!
I knew thos would do the trick...:]
Goodnight I do love you.
..
...
Muah

replacement of self

Ok ok so my phone is in....and I'm extremly excited over this fact yeahy yeahy ;] ahh but besides the point I can finaly blog.......
But I'm going to get carried away with this unless I start. So this week was majorly epic for a few reasons one being that I got a A in my sexuality class ;] yup yup than I got a C[plus] in my astorlogy class but that ain't a reason just that I really wanted to say that lol.[laugh.out.loud] so I went to my old highschool for a little vist and stayed there in theatre class watching the kids perform alice in wonderland its looking rahter good and I'm looking forward to going to opening night with camille, and that's the biggest news I have yes camille and I are talking again lol a lot she apperantly is rahter special and not doing much other than work which is good lol awww but I have to get started on my homework and and than get ready for bed and tomorrow I got school and work so goodnight and I love you ;] muuuaaaah!!!!!

i havent really been honest

okay so this has to be very short or rather short just becuase I havent got much time.
but here goes.

so the other day i ruined my streak i havent smoked in nearly a 6 months and it would rather have been a 7 if not for this amazingly great looking guy who looked at me and said "hey you wanna bum one?" and ok I would have said "no, i dont smoke thank you though." but you as well as I know that when a cute guy says "hey you wanna bum one?" you dont say that, you say "yeah of course, do you got a lite?" ;] well at least thats what I" said....UGH! I feel very very guilty but not much I can do about that other than sit here and complain about it. UGH!!

oh well I am getting over it, but i just realized that I havent had a boyfriend in nearly three months, which is long...I want one but cant seem to really find anyone worth me, giving myself to no one that is around me that is...oh well I guess this is all I can muster in the shortest time possible I know I havent posted in year[s.] hahahaha.....but alas I havent much the time as of late but I promise that someday i might hopefully sooner than later am I right.... ;]

bye love ya.....[MUAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!]

to understand me, you gotta be me.

let us be.
let me give in to my secrets my dreams and my fantasies.
I want you so bad i might as well see how far your willing to go with me.
you tell me to stop.
I say lets keep going.
man your pants are so annoying.
I am fashion.

you hold me close so no one can hear,
you tell me hey love you look so dear. I want you oh so bad.
I tell you dont look so sad.
if you play your cards right you just might end up with me.
you say boy dont play.
I say you might not be able to handle me.

your so divine in you class act you dont really want me but i dont hold back.

you hide the liquir and stash the smokes.

baby i say you just wont let go.

i strike a matcfh and watch it burn cause when the flames end you get burnt.

so I'll pack my things and head on out.

casue once I leave you cant scream and shout.

oh baby you do realy care. or else you would not have choked when I said i loved your hair.

maybe I'll stay cause I love messed up love triangles.

cause it aint no fun when your just with ONE.....